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Bismillah...
Below is my family portrait. It's not you say? Okay, you're right, it isn't. However, when many people look at us this is all they see- the colour of our skin - the different shades of brown.
A while ago a woman gave me some awesome parenting advice. She had already decided that the girls who were 2 shades darker from the summer sun, were getting too much sun. However, it wasn't the fact that they had gotten darker, it was the fact that they didn't know better than to stay out of, or shield themselves from the sun so that they could retain their "fairness". In essence, she considered their behaviour irreparable- a permanent flaw that would only result in the inevitable - they would not find "suitable" husbands, lol.
While she didn't want to waste her breath on the girls, Rainbow could be saved. It was a good thing that she came along when she did. Her advice to me was that I needed to "keep Rainbow* out of the sun because he would get dark...", lol. Knowing me, there was no way in heck that I was going to let that go, so I didn't. I put out my hands in front of her face and I said to her "... well if these Black hands are good enough to change his diapers and feed him, then he has nothing to be ashamed of..."
She was stunned...I loved seeing the look on her face. Did I mention that this woman was not someone I was acquainted with?
Last year I read an article by a Lowri Turner, a mother of 3, that made me feel quite sad. I was 7 months pregnant in a high-risk pregnancy. I was {kind of } shocked, and very very sad. Lowri is a TV presenter and journalist and in the UK. Her article,"I love my Mixed Raced baby-but why does She feel so Alien?" was amazingly interesting (to say the least).
As a mom of what people consider "mixed-race kids", I don't even know where to start. Lowri who is White is divorced from her 2nd husband, an Indian man. He is the father of her daughter. Lowri's first marriage produced 2 sons who are not mixed. She says about her daughter who looks nothing like her sons:
"I didn't realise how much her looking different would matter and, on a rational level, I know it shouldn't. But it does."
I don't know where to begin. However, I can say that I am completely uncomfortable with the number of generalizations that she makes about race. Did I mention that I hate the idea of race? I think "race" chains a person to what we think they are, or should be, and while it works for some people, it is completely damaging to others.
"Do black fathers who marry white women and then have paler-skinned children feel my sense of loss?"
Sense of loss? I may be a bit extreme here, but what is that all about? What a sad choice of words...
The final straw actually comes at the beginning of her article. Lowri says:
"This is a role for which I am utterly unprepared. Part of me thinks I should be playing sitar music to her in her cot, mastering pakoras and serving them dressed in a sari, but that would be fantastically fake coming from me."
Now don't get me wrong, every time I see Rainbow in his beloved tent, I refer to him as my little Bedouin. In fact, we have all joked about him loving the tent and outdoors because of his Yemeni/Ethiopian roots. Most of the times when I have to comb through Amira's tangles, deep down I feel frustrated and I wish that I could just make her hair more manageable. I often worry about my kids having to face a world where too many people are just not happy in their skin - I want them to fit in.
Could it be Sarcasm?
As I was reading her article, all I kept thinking was that Lowri is pretty awful at explaining herself. Maybe, it's just her tone, after all, it happens. I have written articles that didn't sit well with others. I am pretty opinionated, and sometimes it comes back to bite me (like now maybe?)
I was also thinking that perhaps Lowri is using sarcasm as a tool to lighten the mood, and to get her point across. I can't tell for sure, but this remark made me hope that she was, "self-flagellation is not useful. I have more pressing concerns. I am now the mother of a 'black' child, even if she is more the hue of weak tea than espresso".
Great Unrealistic Expectations
Genetics is tricky, and it's never easy to tell what a child with parents from very different backgrounds will look like, In fact, parents from the "same" background, could have children who don't look anything like them.
When Lowri says things like..."I didn't think about any of this before I got pregnant. I wanted to have a baby. Her colour and culture were immaterial then", or, "When she was born, pale but with lots of dark hair, I asked the midwife if her eyes would stay blue. 'Asian genes are very strong,' she said in what I took to be an ominous tone".
Be thoughtful {or} just don't say anything at all!
Having children should not be a turmoil to parents who choose to have them. I feel sorry for parents who feel that way. I also feel sorry because I know that people-even complete strangers can be very cruel (at least their words can be).
Lowri's words may be documented as ignorant and mean, but it cannot be any worse than mothers in forums asking (what to eat, what not to do during pregnancy) to ensure that their babies will have fair skin. It certainly cannot be worse than mothers in said forums agonizing over the fact that their babies were fair at birth and are getting darker by the day. And nothing beats mothers forcing their young daughters to use bleaching creams to get that "healthy glow". Come on let's be honest...
The first thing I want to do is scream at these parents and tell them to take a genetics course, or to look in the mirror, but I guess I could be told that it's not MY business. What is my business however, is the fact that people like the wonderful woman above gets in my face and says something really stupid and ignorant.We as a society need to realize that people's feelings matter, that our kids are listening, and that we are not passing on the best message to them when all we focus on is the outer shell of an individual.
The Gift of Life is Enough!
Isn't the gift of life enough? I have met countless mothers who have lost babies through miscarriages, diseases, and unexplained circumstances. There are many more who suffer from infertility; who were told at 18 weeks gestation that their baby had a heart problem, or at 28 weeks that their baby would not make it to term.
My husband watched our son take his first and last breath in a span of minutes. Many of my friends have lost their babies in painful ways, and would do anything to have children fill their homes. The gift of life should be enough. Having a healthy child is more important than your expectations of what the child should be, or look like.
For the record
I have nothing against Lowri; I don't know her personally. Secondly, I do not personally refer to my children as mixed-raced. I think that human-being is good enough.
Now I am not an idiot. Had the nosey woman given me a lecture about keeping the kids out of the sun because of the dangers of cancer or heat-stroke (for example), I wouldn't have come off as a mean goat. But, she had to go there. I think that society plays a huge role in making people feel like crap- we've all done it.. I wish her and her family all the best with these issues, and may Allah guide us to see the beauty in all his creation. Read Lowri's article here.
Below is my family portrait. It's not you say? Okay, you're right, it isn't. However, when many people look at us this is all they see- the colour of our skin - the different shades of brown.
While she didn't want to waste her breath on the girls, Rainbow could be saved. It was a good thing that she came along when she did. Her advice to me was that I needed to "keep Rainbow* out of the sun because he would get dark...", lol. Knowing me, there was no way in heck that I was going to let that go, so I didn't. I put out my hands in front of her face and I said to her "... well if these Black hands are good enough to change his diapers and feed him, then he has nothing to be ashamed of..."
She was stunned...I loved seeing the look on her face. Did I mention that this woman was not someone I was acquainted with?
As a mom of what people consider "mixed-race kids", I don't even know where to start. Lowri who is White is divorced from her 2nd husband, an Indian man. He is the father of her daughter. Lowri's first marriage produced 2 sons who are not mixed. She says about her daughter who looks nothing like her sons:
"I didn't realise how much her looking different would matter and, on a rational level, I know it shouldn't. But it does."
I don't know where to begin. However, I can say that I am completely uncomfortable with the number of generalizations that she makes about race. Did I mention that I hate the idea of race? I think "race" chains a person to what we think they are, or should be, and while it works for some people, it is completely damaging to others.
Lowri refers to Mixed Black and White children having difficulties in their communities, "On a less benevolent level, mixed-race children can receive a hostile welcome from both white and black communities". I wonder why would her daughter have issues in the Black and White community combined? Her daughter is half Indian, half White. Then she asks:
"Do black fathers who marry white women and then have paler-skinned children feel my sense of loss?"
Sense of loss? I may be a bit extreme here, but what is that all about? What a sad choice of words...
The final straw actually comes at the beginning of her article. Lowri says:
"This is a role for which I am utterly unprepared. Part of me thinks I should be playing sitar music to her in her cot, mastering pakoras and serving them dressed in a sari, but that would be fantastically fake coming from me."
Now don't get me wrong, every time I see Rainbow in his beloved tent, I refer to him as my little Bedouin. In fact, we have all joked about him loving the tent and outdoors because of his Yemeni/Ethiopian roots. Most of the times when I have to comb through Amira's tangles, deep down I feel frustrated and I wish that I could just make her hair more manageable. I often worry about my kids having to face a world where too many people are just not happy in their skin - I want them to fit in.
Could it be Sarcasm?
As I was reading her article, all I kept thinking was that Lowri is pretty awful at explaining herself. Maybe, it's just her tone, after all, it happens. I have written articles that didn't sit well with others. I am pretty opinionated, and sometimes it comes back to bite me (like now maybe?)
I was also thinking that perhaps Lowri is using sarcasm as a tool to lighten the mood, and to get her point across. I can't tell for sure, but this remark made me hope that she was, "self-flagellation is not useful. I have more pressing concerns. I am now the mother of a 'black' child, even if she is more the hue of weak tea than espresso".
Genetics is tricky, and it's never easy to tell what a child with parents from very different backgrounds will look like, In fact, parents from the "same" background, could have children who don't look anything like them.
When Lowri says things like..."I didn't think about any of this before I got pregnant. I wanted to have a baby. Her colour and culture were immaterial then", or, "When she was born, pale but with lots of dark hair, I asked the midwife if her eyes would stay blue. 'Asian genes are very strong,' she said in what I took to be an ominous tone".
Be thoughtful {or} just don't say anything at all!
Having children should not be a turmoil to parents who choose to have them. I feel sorry for parents who feel that way. I also feel sorry because I know that people-even complete strangers can be very cruel (at least their words can be).
Lowri's words may be documented as ignorant and mean, but it cannot be any worse than mothers in forums asking (what to eat, what not to do during pregnancy) to ensure that their babies will have fair skin. It certainly cannot be worse than mothers in said forums agonizing over the fact that their babies were fair at birth and are getting darker by the day. And nothing beats mothers forcing their young daughters to use bleaching creams to get that "healthy glow". Come on let's be honest...
The first thing I want to do is scream at these parents and tell them to take a genetics course, or to look in the mirror, but I guess I could be told that it's not MY business. What is my business however, is the fact that people like the wonderful woman above gets in my face and says something really stupid and ignorant.We as a society need to realize that people's feelings matter, that our kids are listening, and that we are not passing on the best message to them when all we focus on is the outer shell of an individual.
The Gift of Life is Enough!
My husband watched our son take his first and last breath in a span of minutes. Many of my friends have lost their babies in painful ways, and would do anything to have children fill their homes. The gift of life should be enough. Having a healthy child is more important than your expectations of what the child should be, or look like.
For the record
I have nothing against Lowri; I don't know her personally. Secondly, I do not personally refer to my children as mixed-raced. I think that human-being is good enough.
Now I am not an idiot. Had the nosey woman given me a lecture about keeping the kids out of the sun because of the dangers of cancer or heat-stroke (for example), I wouldn't have come off as a mean goat. But, she had to go there. I think that society plays a huge role in making people feel like crap- we've all done it.. I wish her and her family all the best with these issues, and may Allah guide us to see the beauty in all his creation. Read Lowri's article here.
Posts
I really don't understand that thought process either. Our family is very mixed (my side more so than my husbands, but still both of us) and I never even think of it... I mean we do wonder what our babies will look like because we have pretty much every possibility available lol... but its curiosity, not fear. Now, I was a bit shocked when ZJ had blonde hair lol.. but I do too, we knew it could happen. It fits him though; I can't imagine him any other way now & wouldn't want to change it.
Your article is spot on for some of my fears. My children will be mixed and my features vs. my husband's are very different. Let's just say he grew up as the so European looking Arab that no one knew he was Arab...and I grew up as the tan Pakistani girl that didn't know how to keep herself out of the sun and fair. I have had to hear all this nonsense about fair skin all throughout my life...being compared to my lighter friends/cousins...etc. After I got married, (actually just the other day)...I hear my in-laws talking about how my kids won't have colored eyes...and they wonder what they will look like (in condescending ways).
I'm so happy you made that comment to her. Next time, I'm going to try something like that. I have been battling this throughout my life and I really hope I can raise my children with confidence and strength to be able to stand up to this form of hate.
Oh, no! Salma, you don't say how the lady was who advised you on limiting sun exposure. 65 or 70? An unusual attitude these days. Not unusual enough, obviously. We are all one race -- the human race. Congratulations on your beautiful family.
My family is full of various colors, mixed and otherwise. I'm white. My son is mixed--his birthmother is white and his birthfather is black. My Chinese daughter has a son whose father is black. My foster daughter's mom is white and her dad is Arab. Throw in another Chinese daughter and a Vietnamese foster son. I was in the checkout line one day, and the cashier looked perplexed. "Exchange students?" she asked. Nope, I said, they're all mine. We all got a good laugh out of that one!
Asalamu Alaykom,
I didn't think I had a mixed-race baby as North Africans are considered Caucasian on census forms. So, I delievered and immedicately had problems with the nursing staff being worried about jaundice. I kept thinking, "Noooo that's his skin".
Later, I came to accept that he is seen as mixed so I came to embrace that Mr. Boo's mom and dad created a mix...but really EVERY mom and dad create a mix.
Mr. Boo loves to rub it in that his brown eyes are better than my green eyes because he doesn't need sunglasses all the time like I do. He likes being brown like chocolate and tries to rationalize that's why he must eat some.
There have been sad moments of realization. My blonde daughter (from my first marriage) once told me that no one will know he's mine because we look too different from each other. That shook me for a couple of days in his babyhood. Really? Can people not understand maternal bonds based on skin-color? In the end, I told her that cuddling him in the sling as he pulls out a strand of hair from my hijab PROBABLY clues people in on who's who.
The author you read seems stuck in that moment I had between my daughter's comment and my eventual response. She's grappling with who she is and who the child is for her. Maybe some people stay stuck there for a while or forEVER. Pity that.
There's color of skin and then there's culture. She's goofing those up. She's lumping all the differences together and feeling freakish instead of embracing them.
Melanine is just not enough of a factor in our lives to worry about who we are going to love, marry, make babies with or who we are going to raise as children.
May God forgives us those racist thoughts and remarks we make ourselves and those that others make to us.
I think you have a wonderful family Salma, because you share with every one of your children so much, you teach them respect, tolerance. They are beautiful, your love make them special.
I agree the colour of our skin does not define who we are, "race" is a word I don't like, because we are all children of God, all the same in his heart, and we should accept each other with our differences.
Take care Salma and may your children walk in your steps with their own ideas and dreams, may they remember your sweetness and deep love always.
Have a lovely day!
MK- You hit the nail on the head..the possibilities are endless when it comes to "mixing"...basic genetics. BTW, my little gorgeous ZJ looks just like mommy :)
Hi Sabirah- I am sorry to hear this. There is no end to it, but it's hard when it comes from those closest to us. I make it very clear that it's unacceptable- family-wise.
I have also threatened my girls that if I ever see them with bleaching creams that will be the end of them.
InshaAllah, your hubby's family will come around. I know that there is a picture issue that just individual thoughts and ideas...may Allah guide us all.
Angelle- How did you know? Seriously, I think that a lot of older women just use the excuse of being mature to do this type of stuff. I have experienced it before for older women even in the mosque.
Don't forget also that culture plays a role. Some people think that it is their position to give such advice (even where I'm from).
Galen- Sounds like a true Rainbow family, mashaAllah. I htink in 2012, we have to change our thinking about "race". Stay blessed.
Yosra-Salam alaikum. In "mixed" families I suspect that someone will always make that statement. I too felt annoyed with the author, but I felt empathy on a higher level.
Racial hyper-visibility is something that people are not comfortable with, and they shouldn't have to deal with people making them or their children feel like outsiders. I can't imagine it has been easy for here and her daughter.
I understand from your daughter's perspective when it comes to identifying with. As humans we want to identify, and connect to things and people who are like us. But realistically, it's sad.
I see Mr. Boo is very happy in his skin, that's where it all begins.
Marie- Hello. Honestly, no one is completely happy with who they are. I understand that, and, yes I truly believe the colour of your skin shouldn't define who you are. While I don't waste my breath on it generally, when someone comes to me with this nonsense thinking they are helping me, it really irks me.
Stay blessed Marie.
Salma - He does lol. Actually he looks a lot like my BIL too oddly enough. We get comments about that a lot.
Yosra - Jaundice... Sigh. My aunt works at a hospital and saw my son when he was about 3 months old. She flipped out and told me that I needed to go get him checked out for jaundice, was just convinced that he had it. Nope... its his skin tone lol. We already knew that already but there was no telling her :-j