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Bismillah...
If you're in an abusive marriage your friends will more than likely tell you to get out fast. Most people need to work for a living, and while there is a risk in rocking the boat, many will often stand up to a mean, abusive boss. We tell friends when they have crossed the line or hurt us, but, when it comes to family members it's quite tricky.
Last week was a tough week and I'm kind of glad that it's over. I had to say goodbye to someone who has played a HUGE role in my life. No, the person did not die, and I pray to Allah that this is not the end of the line for us. As a Muslimah, I know the importance of strengthening the bond within families and the community. In cutting the ties, my children have lost a significant relationship. However, after many years of ups and downs, and after reflecting for a few months, I had to do what was right for me. In essence, it (this person) made me an anxious, angry person; I had to get out.
A few months ago when I was struggling with this issue, I googled the word "Toxic People". I knew that this person was toxic, and I wanted to get away as fast and as far as possible. I knew that I had to end the relationship, and I had to tell the person why I no longer wanted a relationship. At the time, the issue was all about negative feelings, thoughts, and the harm that the person had caused me...it seemed hopeless. Then I came across the book, Emotional Vampires: Dealing With People Who Drain You Dry by Dr. Albert J. Bernstein, PhD.
Dr. Bernstein, a psychologist and consultant with over thirty years of experience has a lot of insight in dealing with negative, toxic, emotional leeches. He has studied, and written about difficult people, and how to deal with them when they come along, and this is just one of his books.
The focus of the book is not so much on the negative, as I had expected. It's about the people who have the potential to make a difference in our lives. It's all about and how you can identify them. Bernstein allows the reader to truly reflect on the role that he/she plays in relationships. He provides checklists and point blank examples of what to look out for, and how to deal with it (check out the How to Protect Yourself Plan).
After reading this book, I was able to look at my life and the other person differently. I also looked at how I allowed a "Vampire" to exist and manipulate my life- yes, some of it was about me as well. This person has hurt me so much. I know that a lot of the trauma in my life stems from our connection. I know that this person loves nothing more than to see me fail. I know that this person's issues are not about me- I have been caught in the cross-roads.
The back of the book reads: "By the end of Emotional Vampires, you'll be armed with superior knowledge..." Part of the book made me feel a bit uneasy. I was in a very difficult place emotionally, and I felt as if I had to gear up for battle, as if I had to win the fight.
I didn't walk away feeling as if I had superior knowledge, but I walked away knowing that I could cut the person off, and not have any regrets. The message was clear; I deserved to be around people who loved me - people who had principles- people who loved honestly.
I realized that I was only a victim to this individual because I allowed myself to be victimized. I feel sad about it. I feel extremely sad, but I know that it was the right thing to do for me and the kids.
Going through tough times always force me to try to find the positive in even the smallest things, and I think that it worked out for the best. I have been hurt a lot in my life, and I do have a difficult time making connections with people...I hate to let my guard down. In a way I can say that I am happy to be able to walk out of a toxic relationship, and not feel that I have done something wrong. I often think about where I would be right now (emotionally), had I cut the person off years ago, but I can't think like that. I have to trust that Allah has a plan - a lesson for me, in all of this.
It's very hard when it is someone who is close to me...it has made me feel very low in my iman even, but alhamdullelah, it has helped a lot. The biggest lesson I've learned is that the people who are worth investing my time and love into are those who love and respect me.
How do you take care of your emotional and spiritual needs?
This post may contain an affiliate link. Please see my Disclosure Page for more information.
If you're in an abusive marriage your friends will more than likely tell you to get out fast. Most people need to work for a living, and while there is a risk in rocking the boat, many will often stand up to a mean, abusive boss. We tell friends when they have crossed the line or hurt us, but, when it comes to family members it's quite tricky.
Last week was a tough week and I'm kind of glad that it's over. I had to say goodbye to someone who has played a HUGE role in my life. No, the person did not die, and I pray to Allah that this is not the end of the line for us. As a Muslimah, I know the importance of strengthening the bond within families and the community. In cutting the ties, my children have lost a significant relationship. However, after many years of ups and downs, and after reflecting for a few months, I had to do what was right for me. In essence, it (this person) made me an anxious, angry person; I had to get out.
A few months ago when I was struggling with this issue, I googled the word "Toxic People". I knew that this person was toxic, and I wanted to get away as fast and as far as possible. I knew that I had to end the relationship, and I had to tell the person why I no longer wanted a relationship. At the time, the issue was all about negative feelings, thoughts, and the harm that the person had caused me...it seemed hopeless. Then I came across the book, Emotional Vampires: Dealing With People Who Drain You Dry by Dr. Albert J. Bernstein, PhD.
Dr. Bernstein, a psychologist and consultant with over thirty years of experience has a lot of insight in dealing with negative, toxic, emotional leeches. He has studied, and written about difficult people, and how to deal with them when they come along, and this is just one of his books.
The focus of the book is not so much on the negative, as I had expected. It's about the people who have the potential to make a difference in our lives. It's all about and how you can identify them. Bernstein allows the reader to truly reflect on the role that he/she plays in relationships. He provides checklists and point blank examples of what to look out for, and how to deal with it (check out the How to Protect Yourself Plan).
After reading this book, I was able to look at my life and the other person differently. I also looked at how I allowed a "Vampire" to exist and manipulate my life- yes, some of it was about me as well. This person has hurt me so much. I know that a lot of the trauma in my life stems from our connection. I know that this person loves nothing more than to see me fail. I know that this person's issues are not about me- I have been caught in the cross-roads.
The back of the book reads: "By the end of Emotional Vampires, you'll be armed with superior knowledge..." Part of the book made me feel a bit uneasy. I was in a very difficult place emotionally, and I felt as if I had to gear up for battle, as if I had to win the fight.
I didn't walk away feeling as if I had superior knowledge, but I walked away knowing that I could cut the person off, and not have any regrets. The message was clear; I deserved to be around people who loved me - people who had principles- people who loved honestly.
I realized that I was only a victim to this individual because I allowed myself to be victimized. I feel sad about it. I feel extremely sad, but I know that it was the right thing to do for me and the kids.
Going through tough times always force me to try to find the positive in even the smallest things, and I think that it worked out for the best. I have been hurt a lot in my life, and I do have a difficult time making connections with people...I hate to let my guard down. In a way I can say that I am happy to be able to walk out of a toxic relationship, and not feel that I have done something wrong. I often think about where I would be right now (emotionally), had I cut the person off years ago, but I can't think like that. I have to trust that Allah has a plan - a lesson for me, in all of this.
It's very hard when it is someone who is close to me...it has made me feel very low in my iman even, but alhamdullelah, it has helped a lot. The biggest lesson I've learned is that the people who are worth investing my time and love into are those who love and respect me.
How do you take care of your emotional and spiritual needs?
This post may contain an affiliate link. Please see my Disclosure Page for more information.
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May Allah give you strength,courage and solace to cope with life's challenges.
I'm sorry about the difficulties you faced and happy that you were able to come to a decision that will (Insha'Allah) be the best for you and your family.
Alhamdulillah, I have been given the opportunity to attend these classes that give me so much strength and help me really put my full reliance in Allah (swt). I have found when I am in my lowest low...I will turn to these lectures and friends that will guide me back. Usually when I feel hopeless and emotional, I just consistently ask Allah (swt) for help and Alhamdulillah it works.
I'm sorry about the difficulties you faced and happy that you were able to come to a decision that will (Insha'Allah) be the best for you and your family.
Alhamdulillah, I have been given the opportunity to attend these classes that give me so much strength and help me really put my full reliance in Allah (swt). I have found when I am in my lowest low...I will turn to these lectures and friends that will guide me back. Usually when I feel hopeless and emotional, I just consistently ask Allah (swt) for help and Alhamdulillah it works.
Hey, Assalamu Alaykum,
I love this post. Especially the title of the book: Emotional Vampires: Dealing with people who drain you dry, because of the fact that those kind of people that you are talking about, it's like they reflect their darkness on you, spilling out the murky black emotions on you, to an extent that kills your heart below. So they do suck you dry from the light! It's like they take away some of your light...even if you try to help them, it just never works for some reason... I kind of had this notion in my head that these are the "True Vampires" lol... Since, they are creatures of darkness..And today I saw this post and I was like, subhanAllah, So, there is a psychologist who studied about those people, even myself I took psychology in high school, It was my fav subject which I got the highest grade at. Anyway, It's good what you done, it's better to walk away from these kind of people. I know it's hard...but isn't life full of trials and tests? There are hadiths about these kinds of companions. We have to take them into consideration...because some can be like poison...subhanAllah...Maybe it's the fact that they don't appreciate some things in life...Or, they don't know how to carry out a good relationship...
I'll end this comment with some hadiths, insha'Allah =)!
Prophet Muhammad (saw) has said, "The believer is like a mirror to other believers (in truthfulness)." Like a mirror, your friend gives you an honest image. He forgives your mistakes, but does not hide or exaggerate your strengths and weaknesses.
Once Prophet Muhammad (saw) was asked, "What person can be the best friend?" "He who helps you remember Allah (SWT), and reminds you when you forget Him," the Prophet Muhammad (saw), counseled.
Ali ibn Abi Talib (as) said: "A friend cannot be considered a friend unless he is tested on three occasions: in time of need, behind your back and after your death."
Take care
xxx
As-salaamu-alaykum Salma
Firstly let me say that I am sorry to hear that you've been going through a difficult time, and I pray that Allah (swt) gives you ease in all your difficulties.
This is such an important post because this happens to people so often and most people don't know how to deal with negativity such as this. The books sounds really good and helpful.
Thank you for posting about this.
May Allah always give you peace and happiness. Inshaa-Allah
*hugs* I am so sorry. We have several of those on one side of my family. Jas & I have discussed what to do several times. The main two we haven't cut ties with (living across the state helps) but one I did this summer. It just got to bad and I couldn't handle it anymore. The others I rarely talk too, which makes me sad because they're two people that by any way you look at it you should be close to. But I can't.
Anyways, hope things get better for you!
Salaam sis,
I am shocked to hear that you and kids were going through a tougher phase of life. But I greatly appreciate your positivism in getting the life in track.
I don't want to share any piece of advice because I am sure you know your life better and you have faith in Allah.
I am sure He will never let you down. May Allah ease your difficulties and reward you for the sufferings.
Any time, if you need to talk, please feel free to drop me a mail.
Love you for the sake of Allah!
take care sis,
You are in our duas!
Assalamu Alikkum dear sister in islam,
May Allah ease your difficulties and bless you and family in the life here and hereafter.
Reminding you - Whoever loved for Allah, and hated for Allah gave for Allah and withheld for Allah, is the person who has perfected his faith. (Bukhari)
So, dear sis,
Allah will be with you!
What you have posted here subhana Allah reminded me of this Hadith:
Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) said: “The example of a good companion and a bad companion is like that of the seller of musk, and the one who blows the blacksmith’s bellows.. So as for the seller of musk then either he will grant you some, or you buy some from him, or at least you enjoy a pleasant smell from him. As for the one who blows the blacksmith’s bellows then either he will burn your clothes or you will get an offensive smell from him.” (Bukhari & Muslim)
I never knew of the word toxic people but it really describes them well. these people make you feel like a dirty fly I felt at some point of my life.
They come as a huge test of your principles and spiritual beliefs. When I was younger, some were able to *toxify* (if we can describe it this way) my life, affected my self esteem. However, isn't it great when you have the confidence that shines in your eyes and push them back a step.
Glad you managed to 'get rid of' them
xx
I had a toxic friendship that was completely draining me at times and even made me someone who I am not. I am glad to say that person is not around anymore and I have cut all and any ties. I have forgiven and I only remember the good times. Thank you for posting about this topic!
Dearest Aynzan- inshaAllah! Thank you.
Sippingchair- I keep praying that it was the right decision for my family. I also like to find a place of comfort and I have been speaking to Allah about it...Allah always answers, and I knew that I needed to have the patience and listen with my heart.
Thank you for your kind comment.
Salam Dana- subhanAllah, I loved the hadiths, and I especially love the first one because when I was searching, I also read it.
It made me sad, because I doubted that I could be a strong enough person to show the face of a Muslim even in such an ordeal.
Thanks so much for sharing, and for your thoughts.
Sala Zarina- Thanks for your kind words. Yes, this happens more than we would like to admit. Had I not been a Muslim, I would have taken a different approach, and I know it could have ended in a disaster.I just pray that Allah will make it easy, and reunite us in a positive way.
Salam alaikum!
MK- Hubby is totally hands off when it comes to this situation because...well...for a lot of reasons. We did move across the country, and I thought things would get better, but no it didn't.
I prayed about it since July. I cried about it, and talked about it almost daily. In the end, I want to be a good Muslim, a mom, a wife. Anyone who doesn't want that for me shouldn't play a huge role in our lives.
I hope that you can mend the relationship with the ones that you still speak to. It's hard.
Thanks for your thoughts MK.
Dear Nishana, salam alaikum. We're all okay here, this is small compared to many things in life. I love knowing that there is an answer to all the questions and uncertainty that I have...Allah.
Thank you for always being a friend.
Feel Islam- Thank you for the reminder. I think this is that kind of test, and I pray that Allah will only let me move forward if it's the right thing to do.
Salam alaikum.
Dear MoOn- what a test it is. It really saddens me that I am here today. But my sense of self was hugely tainted, and that should not happen to a Muslim.
Thank you for sharing this hadith sis. Salam alaikum!
Dear Salma,
When I first read your post, I didn't know what to say. I read it again today... Glad to know that you have put away someone who made you suffer so much! May Allah always give you strength to walk the right path. Ameen.
Just wanted to say am thinking of you and inshALlah this test will make you a stronger person
Hugs x
Hi Katie- If you wait long enough and nothing positive happens, and there is no sign of any good coming from it, then it has to be done.
I'm glad that you were able to get out of it...people like that make you doubt you even deserve to live.
Thanks for stopping by.
Dearest Najeeba, salam alaikum. It was tough...it's still happenning, so it's still tough.
There's so much I want to say to relieve the pain, but Allah knows my heart.
Thank you for finding the words.
Salam Foz- inshaAllah.
Thank you for stopping
by.
I'm so sorry that you are going through this tough time. I am not a muslim but I believe a lot of the same...who you surround yourself with will eventually begin to shape you and unfortunately don't encourage you or give you hope at all. It's the toughest when those are the ones so close to our hearts. I'm glad you have a good surrounding of friends to be by you in this time! Generally to be encouraged emotionally and spiritually, I try to examine my own heart and make sure I am striving to be humble, then I ask for prayer, pray and read and surround myself with those who love me and are encouraging and whom I admire. Remember, the refining of gold creates the most beautiful outcome in the end...
sending hugs to you and your family xxx
lamonewithmuchope- thank you for your insight. It's never easy when it's people that are close to us that we love and even admire.
You have a great outlook.
xxo
Amalia- thanks sis.
xxoo to yu and yours!!!
Oh my gosh you are so brave! I am a muslim revert and some of my non-muslim family can be so 'toxic' as you call it. I often want to walk away from them totally but don't want to cause my children from missing their extended family too - it is such a hard decision. I hope all goes well for you and I hope I can be that brave one day too inshallah, Karima
Salam Karima, Thanks for stopping by.
For us, it was easier to make the decision because the issues are about my family's safety and well-being (even then it was difficult).
InshaAllah you will not have to cut the ties from those who try to harm you. Pray about it, and Allah will give you the best answer.
xxo
Happy New Year, and God bless your family!