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Bismillah...
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I want to start off by saying that I believe every single human starts out good, and pure and beautiful in every way. The Holy Quran states:
"O mankind! We created you from a single (pair) of a male and a female and made you into nations and tribes that ye may know each other (not that ye may despise each other). Verily the most honored of you in the sight of Allah is (he who is) the most righteous of you."
However, somewhere along the path, something OR someone happens, and then our precious little boys and girls evolve into something else.~ Qur'an (Surah Al-Hujurat 49:13
One minute we are overwhelmed with giving birth (if we are moms), and being a part of the birth process (if we are dads). We cuddle and hold our little ones close and promise to never let anything happen to them, and we mean it. After a few years of relative "protection" we send them off into the world - daycare or kindergarten, and we cry and cross our fingers. Soon they have book-bags and pencil cases and are having anxiety about junior high; not long after they argue about lunch money and allowance. We think they are difficult, but we love them anyway. Besides, we don't know anything about difficulty...we don't know what they go through everyday at school. If only we could keep that promise we made years ago.
shame and shaming and...
My daughter came home and told me about a boy taunting her, calling her a dirty Mexican, on the same day that I witnessed my other daughter laughing at someone else's expense. It broke my heart all around. It broke my heart, and then it made me angry. Why? Because they are innocent children who say and do stupid things. It broke my heart because they are our future, and they have so many more opportunities and responsibilities than generations before us. It broke my heart, because I don't know how far any child is willing to go to make his/her point. The question is, how trivial should we consider certain behaviours from our kids, before another child interprets it as threatening enough to retaliate? With everything that is going on in our kids' schools - in society...deadly fights, bullying, shootings, teens committing suicide, I am scared for all the kids out there.
I have never believed in or accepted people laughing at the expense of others- NEVER! I don't like in-crowds or the idea of outsiders- who gets to choose? I don't like people who back-bite, and gossip (you won't even catch me reading gossip magazines...just try!) AND, I certainly do not respect anyone who cannot allow another human being to exist because he/she believes that individual is not worthy. What does that even mean? I hate all of this!
When my daughter told me of the name-calling, I said all the things I have said before. To be honest, I was taken aback by the "insult"...we certainly aren't Mexican. I was alarmed that the only thing the teacher had to say to this boy was that it "isn't appropriate to call people names..." WOW! But, on a deeper level I thought, "what an ignorant racist this child is...why does he think my daughter is a Mexican...why does he hate Mexican...AND what makes him better than any Mexican anyway?" I told my daughter that it would be a waste of time to even answer to such nonsense. At the same time I couldn't help questioning why and how kids even get to that point where they can affect someone's life in such a negative way, and not be held responsible for his words. HOWEVER, on a larger scale, I wondered, why was the child not spoken to for inciting racism in a classroom of 30 students?
But, when my OTHER daughter repeated a joke that one girl said about another, I was hurt for that little girl. Sure, that little girl is 12 years old. Sure, she is a tough girl who can stand up for herself, but why should she have to? I certainly don't want my kids feeling inferior or left out, why should my child EVER make another human being feel that way?
I had to question, what happened to my daughter raised without ignorance or prejudice. My mind was racing, my collar was hot. I screamed at my child- I couldn't help it. I screamed at her...I shamed her...I wanted to shame her. I wanted her to acknowledge that in her silence, when her "friend" was the victim of gossip, she failed to do the right thing. She didn't fail me, her mom, who has always told her how important it is to treat everyone with respect. She didn't fail baba, who never forgets to remind her that God sees all, and we cannot treat others with indignity. She didn't fail her brother and sister, who think she's wonderful in every way. She didn't fail our family members who would help anyone, give anything to anyone in need...who has values and belief in humanity.
She failed herself.
aftermath
In the aftermath of it all, I called both girls to my side and I reminded them about loyalty, and truth, and more importantly, the pure goodness in every human being. I told them that the world is what we make it, and we are responsible for each other. I reminded them that the little things add up, and they take us away in ways that we cannot know, and that the things that are trivial...things that make us better than others, are only the things that in our hearts we know are right. I was still angry, because my daughter was more defensive than accepting, however, later, upon reflecting, I know she got it. I know she got it because she could not look me in the eye.
In addition, we as parents must keep our ears open. I am sick and tired of parents saying they "had no idea...didn't see it coming..", when our children harm other people's children. I wonder even as I write this post if the mother of the child who taunts my daughter know what he is doing. I wonder also, if the mother of the little girl at the end of mean jokes knows what her daughter is going through. Sometimes I know that children are products of their parents- many of the things that they say are not their own thoughts, but that of their parents. I wonder, however, if any parent wants his/her child to face the reality that so many other have- murder, suicide, depression...is it worth it?
We must not encourage or downplay the words that come from our children's mouths. Nothing- absolutely NOTHING positive comes from parents being complacent about our children's behaviour. There is no need to take it personal when our children's behaviour is questioned. It doesn't mean we are stupid people, or bad parents; it means that our children are not fully infused with some of the values that we have taught them. It's a process; we have to get over it and help our young ones get through it.
eye for an eye? which eye?
I look at children who say and do awful things to their peers. I want to see them only as children, but I cannot. There is a part of me that has to recognize that this child will grow up to be an adult. My children have been victims of racism, and bullying, but I have never stood behind the eye for and eye philosophy. I believe as Gandhi believed, that "an eye for an eye makes the whole world blind"; we only have to look at what happens to bullies and the bullied...what happens to their families, and communities...what happens to the core of our souls, when we cannot expect good from others. There is no good in this- no one benefits.
Has my daughter, through her silence added to another human being's shame? You betcha! Just as I saw a child referring to my child in a derogatory way as a major threat to her well-being and happiness, I could not let another child laugh at the expense of another, AND I am going to do something about it.
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