Bismillah...
April is National Child Abuse Prevention Month in the US. While Canada’s Child Abuse Prevention Month is in October, and I wrote a post about my experience last September
here, I wanted to also write another post about life after abuse.
The first thing I want to say is that there are a lot of people walking around who have been broken by abuse. Many are in the delicate process of trying to piece their lives together, repair relationships, cut ties, and be good citizens (parents, workers, neighbors, whatever...).
I am one of them.
Last December, I wrote a long letter to someone who hurt me very much. Rather than write an emotional piece that simply pointed and placed the blame on that individual, I wrote in a simple sentence saying that I NEEDED to sever my ties immediately. Rather than focus on the negative, I ended that letter by thanking that individual for contributing to aspects of my life that caused happiness. I then made a list of all the things I love about myself - that was my last word on the relationship.
I guess I should start off by telling you a bit about myself
My name is Salma.
I am a mother of 4.
I have a husband who I disagree with 90% of the time- but he uplifts me.
I dance outside of the margins because I don't like to be like everybody else.
I like to give because it makes me feel that I am contributing to the human race- not for my benefit alone.
I love people, but I love my space even more- I'm a bit of a hermit.
I hate when people hurt, and I don't always know what to do about it.
I hate cleaning my house, but I love a clean house - so I clean it.
I love my job.
I hate television- rarely watch it.
I suffered abuse as a child for many years.
One of the things you will always hear me say is that the only consistency in life is its inconsistencies. I learned this lesson from a very, very young age. It is something that I lived with and dreaded every single day for many years. I never knew when times would be bad or good - when I would be happy or sad. I am not even talking about the happiness that we find from within. I mean the happiness that shadows a child wherever he or she goes- knowing that you have parents who are there for you; living in a home where no one hurts you; having outlets and retreats to offload and "just be a kid". I didn't have that.
I was never a child. I did not walk on eggshells, I was the eggshell- thrown around, and cracked all over, at least that’s how I see myself now. Every form of child abuse does that to you. You just accept it, even when you can't name it, or place it, you know it’s something that you have to accept. And of course it doesn’t help that we are told that it is our fault, does it?
What else did abuse do to me?
I lived in constant fear of be violated, and hurt, but most importantly, I lived with an overwhelming fear of being “found out”. Is that crazy? Crazy, yes, but rare, not at all. It is not abnormal for abused children to protect their abusers. We protect them because as young as we are (mine started when I was four); as innocent and naive as we are, we know that we are a part of something bigger than us. We know whether we accept it or not, we are at the center of this nameless thing that happens to us.
Abuse has changed my life for the better and in many ways for the worse. I don’t know who I would have been had I not endured those terrible years, BUT I know who I want to be. Abuse has led me to doubt myself many times – too many. It has made me feel dishonest and dirty, and fearful of kindness (I always think there is an ulterior motive).
It has made me resistant to certain aspects of change, because I fear the unknown. It has made me very sensitive and protective of my children, I don’t know how to even trust a doctor. It makes me bitter when I speak to individuals who complain about big houses, huge salaries, and material objects. I know it’s a cliché, but it’s true- all a child really needs is love and protection.
I always heard, or was told to “...love others as you would love yourself”. Anyone who has been through post-traumatic stress disorder from abuse knows this is not simple. Abuse has made me more aware of people hurting and alhmadulellah, there is part of me in the core of my soul that strives to never hurt someone so much that he/she could be traumatized. On the far end, however, is the fact that people who have been abused don’t always ask for our rights- sometimes we give too much and take little or nothing at all. Often times, we are referred to as “damaged goods”, and we feel “lucky” that anyone would want to be around us, be our friend, or marry us. I mean, consider a bruised apple at the supermarket, versus, a perfect red delicious apple, which would you choose. I know which one I would choose.
Abuse & Parenting & Marriage
Sometimes, I have doors slammed in my face, or my kids are disrespectful. There is a part of me that screams inside and just wants to smash something. I hate that feeling, and I struggle to maintain a healthy balance, where my kids know that I will not “just” explode at the drop of a pin- this is very important to me. I ensure that no one who comes into my home speaks harshly to my children or harm them in any way- there are no exception to this.
Marriage is also a learning experience for me. There are times when hubby and I are having an argument, and I feel so powerless, and defensive. I feel like I did those years ago, wanting to be loved and accepted, and more importantly, not wanting to be hurt. I don’t want to bring my past into my marriage, and alhamdullelah, I have a husband who knows my triggers, but life is not a bed of roses.
My husband is a champion of a parent, mashaAllah. He has spoken to the girls about everything under the sun, he has cried with me, and loved me to no end. He has tackled issues that I either had a hard time articulating, or am just too traumatized to speak about. I want to be an attentive, loving mother. I always make an effort to breathe before I yell, and I try to hug my kids, and tell them how beautiful and smart they are. These are the little things, but they make a world of a difference.
I am ME
Often, I am told that I am
"...very "normal" and loving...considering..." I don’t want to live in the shadow of abuse. I am not an abuse survivor- I am NOT a success story. My life is not a story; every breath I take is a gift from God - it's a journey. On this journey, I suffered abuse. There is a difference. I practice Islam. I have attained higher education. I have married and had children. I have hobbies (lots of them). I have friends, and colleagues who think that I am a nice person. I love to travel, volunteer, and blog, lol, and I love to teach in every way. I want to be a loyal friend and an honest, loving wife.
I don't want to cut corners-ever, but sometimes I do. I want to leap over hurdles, and then look back on the roadblocks-not be paralysed by them before I even begin my journey. So, as normal and loving as I am, there is a part of me that is still broken- it is not irreparable, but it needs work.
I don't have any last/final words on abusing children, except DON'T DO IT and don't watch silently as others do it! Kids take the pain of abuse with them wherever they go, and what kind of a life is that- is living in the world not hard enough? It is our responsibility to ensure that children are protected at any cost. If we raise good children, we will raise good citizens.
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**DO YOU WANT TO OWN IT? Book Giveaway Coming Soon**
His 2 favorite people in the world ( Iman and I) never get a moment of peace when he's awake. he mimics EVERYTHING. He still loves his tent, and shovels too much food into his mouth, causing him to choke 99% of the time. If he's mad at Amira (quite often), he will push her out of the room and close the door behind her- or in her face. Sometimes, he stays by the door to make sure she stays out, lol.
We're still reading a lot and we are learning more French with the PetraLingua program. I will update those activities in our next Bucket-list post.
, a book by Joanne Partis because it was short, fun to read, a library favorite that we bought eventually.
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